The rest of the story..

So, Filthy Cheater watched me closely all the way home.. He and Hannah and I were folded neatly into the cab of his S-10 truck, puttering down the highway in silence..the two of them needed to feel/see/taste my reaction to losing it. I was (apparently) uncharacteristically quiet and they pondered and fretted at this. Filthy Cheater was uncharacteristically concerned. He needed to know I didn't regret it. I wasn't sure if I did or not. Something held for nearly 16 years tossed into the wind in one night.. But wasn't this something I did deliberately you ask? Why yes, my dear, it was and how can I regret such things? That would be a bit like admitting a mistake and I wasn't real fond of that concept. So we drove through the night, gas stations and pine trees lit by street lamps blurred by my window and I entered our town a different person than when I left it..just 3 hours ago? Was that possible?

We never did it again after that. At a New Years Eve party, two weeks later, I poked my head in your bathroom door. It was nearly midnight and I needed my kiss. There you were. She was short, plump, curvy, brunette...she was my polar opposite and she was giggling while you made shushing sounds and edged her out of my line of sight. I turned around dazed, confused, angry, walked to the porch. A guy that would later become a good friend was just walking up the steps, those steps I nearly got my ass kicked over you.. he was just walking up and apparently ("apparently" because I have zero memory of this and only believe it because of numerous eye-witness accounts) I jumped up and straddled him - told him Happy New Year and kissed him. He put me down and I walked away to cry. I see that smirk creeping it's way across your face, could I have been more dramatic? lol

You ended up with a little hellion named Jessica. Jessica hated me, but tried her best to be buddy-buddy with Hannah. Hannah was in a weird position and I never blamed her for having to be around Jessica and you. I blamed Filthy Cheater. The next summer you and Jessica were on a break and you and I found ourselves in a caravan headed to Lake Greeson. Jon Anderson's Seminole Wind was blaring from your vintage baby blue muscle car..the windows were down and I watched you for a long time. The sun was setting and your face was golden. I knew that song meant personal things to you, it was your swamp, your alligators in the dark, it was mystic nooks of cajun country I can't even imagine. It's the kind of song that I would normally roll my eyes at and change the station..but this memory keeps it ligitimate and meaningful to me. I can't hear that song without thinking of that day. That night we made love in a tent. I told you you'd always be special to me, and you whispered "I know." The next afternoon I drank too much and fell asleep on a camper-couch next to another guy in our group. You walked in the camper, looked down at me, muttered obscenities and walked out. I looked over confused and my stomach knotted as I realized what the picture looked like from your angle. You brooded the rest of the trip, you glared at that guy and me when you weren't avoiding us. I was surprised to see this reaction. I wanted to explain to you that nothing happened, it was just a party mistake..but I didn't. I rode back with Filthy Cheater and Hannah. You rode back with a buddy and reconciled with Jessica.

The next fall you found your last fight. Cars lined the dark highway, two clusters of good old boys congregated on either side of the highway throwing insults and threats. You took fateful, angry steps across the pavement. And engine roared. Someone from the other side whipped his truck out and ran over you. He then put it in reverse and ran over you again. Your head was under there. I heard the boy who drove you to the hospital held your head in his lap. I heard you uttered perfectly coherent phrases as he held your brain matter in his hand. You were airlifted to Texarkana. You suffered multiple strokes as your family and Jessica and Hannah and Filthy Cheater visited your bedside. In my mind I imagine you floating above this scene, holding the hand of an angel, inhaling all the prayers and love swirling the room. In my mind I know you felt overwhelmed and saddened by all this love you never knew was there. And in my mind I know you knew Jessica was pregnant with your baby boy. I know you kissed him on the head in that golden place and finally realized God is Good. God is love.