Josh Cont'd

Okay dear, so where where we? Oh yeah, you and me speeding down Main St. in your teal Camaro.. The next couple of months found us riding, making out, double dating with Hannah and Filthy Cheater,me proudly showing off the Letterman's jacket with your complicated French name on the back that no one could pronounce. But for the most part they found us partying. Your house was party central and I loved being in the middle of it. Loud, rousing games of quarters, dominoes, spades..played on a glass table pulled into the center of what should have been the living room..gigantic speakers and ratty couches squeezed in all around..tequila slammers, Boone's farm, anything really, anything alcoholic - we were too young to even care. I remember one night in particular we were playing some drinking game that involved shooting Tequila and Mountain dew (?) and I ran out the back door, puked my guts out, and came back in to finish the game. All the while Al Green pled his case through the blaring speakers.. At the time, I didn't realize what good money you made in the oil field..I can only imagine what percentage of your income was spent on partying.

We always slipped into your room about an hour before my dreaded curfew for a little hanky-panky. Remember the black light and all those psychedelic posters? And the trippy candles from Gadzooks or some shit..lol. You knew I was a virgin and you never tried to take it too far..At the time I thought that was really sweet, but now, as I'm typing this, I'm wondering if you were just too drunk..or if someone came over after I left? Never mind, I don't want to know. We had fun. I loved that house, it dripped with teen spirit and freedom. Oh, I forgot about it being right across the street from the county jail! Remember that night Edward went to jail and we partied on the porch so he could see us? Ahahaha! Oh my gosh that was so funny.. We could see his profile looking down on us and we'd holler over at him.. good times.



In retrospect, I should have expected much, much more from you. I should have expected real dates, flowers perhaps? You meeting my parents..more phone calls, you driving the 30 miles to pick me up instead of Filthy Cheater and Hannah swinging by...should have asked myself if I loved you? Or you me?.. and I should have payed attention to your anger. You were an angry drunk. But I didn't even notice, or maybe I noticed, I recognized it. I knew exactly when we needed to leave a party, or when I needed to distract you - it was just a subtle shift in bleary beautiful blue eyes, but I recognized it. You were never angry with me, but you craved a good fight and you would shove your way to it. You always won. Looking back, that should have worried me, should have sailed the red flag high - but it didn't...it was the least important thing on my radar.



Most important was my decision to make you the first. Now, truth be told, I had been feeling very, very left out of girl talk. All of my friends had done it..except me. Months and months of listening wide eyed to stories of things I had never done. I had to catch up. But no one justifiable had come along, until you. Now, I realize most girls are coerced into losing their virginity...it's usually just something that sort of happens in the heat of a moment buckling with pressure. But not me..I basically planned it out. Hannah and I arranged it, and I'm pretty sure she told Filthy Cheater and he told you what was about to go down. Wow, with my control issues and your anger we would have been a train wreck huh? I wonder what you thought about all that? Me planning everything out - me choosing you, did you feel special?



It was such an odd night. We all met up. We drove out to this pimp-ass deer camp Filthy Cheater was a part of. We drank Crown Royal and coke. We seemed nervous. And excited. Eventually it happened in a long room filled with bunk beds. It was pitch black. We were on one end of the room and somewhere out in the black abyss that was the other end of the room were Hannah and Filthy Cheater. The part of it all that jumped out at me as monumental was the sensation of being so close to another human being. All that skin on skin was so intoxicating and soft. Maybe from where you are, you can appreciate what I'm saying. I close my eyes and I can feel my hands running through your hair, up and down you back..I remember you asking if I "was sure?" In a whisper that didn't hesitate at all ... "was I okay?" I can hear giggles from the far end of the room, but they just bouce off of us - we're somewhere else. And then it was over, it was getting dressed and hurrying out the door and frantic goodbye kisses trying to make curfew. . .