To a Drunk Stepdad (the end)

Part 1
Part 2



You came slowly out of the closet...I couldn't really process what was happening. Things in my head clicked as I realized you were what I was hearing. You must have shifted and that's what I heard. You were hiding in the closet. All this time? "For what? Where was your truck?" My mind raced. And all the screaming, what was Mama screaming about? She was so desperate for me to run, but I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be running to, ...or from. I just sat there in my little nightgown in a sea of peach colored sheets, looking from you to her in a sort of daze. I needed her to come get me. I didn't know what to do. And she did. She put her body in between us, yanked me down off the bed and shoved me down the hall. I ran out the front door and we loaded up in the car. I think that was the end for you two.

For a long time I needed to know what you were planning on doing to us that night. Now I don't want to know. I can let that dog lie. But you found other ways to hurt her from afar. You took your brand new boat and brand new truck in the divorce. You never made another payment on either one. The bill collectors hounded my mom at home and even at work. If it wouldn't have been for one sweet, understanding principle who actually threatened one of those jerks,.. if it wouldn't have been for her kindness, Mama would have lost her job. They kept calling and calling and hounding until she filed bankruptcy and we moved to another town for a fresh start.

You got a lot out of that little adventure in bottom-feeding didn't you?

Here's what I got from you:

From you, dear, old, Drunk Step Dad, I acquired a deep distrust for condescending, controlling men who get off on intimidation. I developed a nice little strategy of cold beginnings and sarcastic flirting that would weed out those types. I was always on guard for the younger version of you. You showed me that bullies are bitter cowards. Although they bark and bite, it's usually out of fear. I believe it was because of this knowledge that I was attracted so fiercely to my husband. He has what you would call 'big guns', huge muscles, I mean it's testosterone city over here. His strength and physique amazes me, yet I've never seen him show it off. He's calm and mellow. Although he's been backed into a corner a few times by drunk, rowdy friends (that pick fights when he's with them), he's confided in me that after his wild Navy days he pretty much avoided fights because he didn't want to seriously hurt anyone. See he has his own issues Drunk Step Dad..but his worst fear is taking out those issues on innocent people. That's sexy as hell to me. A real man has confidence in his power. He’s careful with it. He doesn't have to throw it around, show it off, ...prove it. He knows that everyone already knows. He's not looking for a fight, there's no question of who will win. Thank you for showing me that cocky men are desperately and dangerously insecure.

From you, I received the gift of knowing how to spot that subtle shift in a drunk man's eyes that indicates he's about to turn mean and ugly. (This one has come in handy on numerous occasions including arguments with boyfriends, parties, night clubs, and especially during my brief stint as a bartender) I feel sure this gift has protected me from being pounded, and or arrested on many an occasion.

You taught me the extreme risk involved in a joint checking account.

My experience with you taught me the true meaning of that bible verse: "This too shall pass"

Here's a valuable one: You taught me the difference between a happy, calm, light-filled home and a dark, depressing, explosive home. I know how each one feels to a child. And I know which one I want to give my own children. As ironic as this may seem, you've actually made me a better parent, Drunk Step Dad.

Probably the most monumental lesson you've given me is in forgiveness. A couple of years ago, a mother of two beautiful children and a wife to an addict, spiralling out of control, forgave you. God used you, Drunk Step Dad to save a marriage and a family... He sat me down at a kitchen table and made me see you as he saw you. Through compassionate eyes. You were a child once,..innocent, bright and happy, full of love and energy and mischief... Something, some unknown, horrible, terrifying factor scarred you, marred you, took away your light and filled you with anger. That day God took away my anger and hate and replaced it with compassion for you, for your little boy self that still may be out there hurting somewhere. I realized that I was lucky because you were a short period in my life...but you had to live with you forever. I realized my hate and anger was hurting me, not you. It was too heavy and burdensome; it would ruin relationships. He showed me that I must put it down to move on. I realized that I could never forgive my husband, or expect anyone else to if I couldn't forgive you. I could never expect him to forgive himself (which is really what recovery is right?).. I had to let it go, set it down. So I did.

Thank you, Drunk Step Dad, for all the powerful lessons. I truly hope you're leading an AA meeting somewhere out there. I hope your testimony helps others. I hope you've learned how to love. And accept love. I hope you've learned to love yourself. I hope you've realized your mistakes and forgiven yourself for them. I hope you've felt God's love and compassion and I hope he's filled you with hope... Be happy Drunk Step Dad, I am.